please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
