we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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