It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
