Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
