i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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