Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
