I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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