I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
