I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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