I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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