I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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