Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
