this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
