Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
