her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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