when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
