I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
