I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
