I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
