well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
