first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
