hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
