nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
