So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
