I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
