You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
