apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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