I think I died a long time ago.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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