this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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