she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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