i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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