I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
