he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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