the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
