Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
