I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
