Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
