Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
