The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
