my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
