He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
