i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
