guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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