Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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