I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
