I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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