Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
