He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
