tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
