you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
