does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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