My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
