I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
